My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
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