i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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