Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
How external is "for external use only"?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
