i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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