She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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