My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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