cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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