I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
MIDGETS
????
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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