ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
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