Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
