just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
