Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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