So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
