I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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