The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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