He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
