my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
