I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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