Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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