I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
