I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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