I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Randomize
