I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
