Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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