My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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