You can't special order awesome
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
