SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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