Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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