i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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