Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
