Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
