How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
