paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
