What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
