so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
