Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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