I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
