No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
