Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
