The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
