You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
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