Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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