alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
There's always time for handjobs
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
