What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
