i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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