so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
