I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
nutella sex= disaster
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
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