He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
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