put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
im six kinds of drunk right now
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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