so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
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