Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
